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weak willed

March 21, 2010

My run this morning was less than ideal.  Though the weather was decent, I chose the treadmill. 

The plan called for 9 miles and I didn’t feel like leaving the house.  Without enough sleep and with FatherRunner gone, I didn’t feel brave enough to leave my babies alone while I plod all around town. 

The run sucked!  I was bored.  I was alone.  I was sweating A LOT!  I was watching a movie that distracted my pain, but not my mind.  I stopped at mile 7 to change out the laundry (Go SUPER MOM!).  I only had 2 miles to go and I stared at the panel waiting for those miles to go by.  My mind wandered a thousand thoughts.  “why is this so hard?”  “why can’t I go any faster?”  “what do I think I’m doing?”  “I’m not an athlete!” who cares about PR’s?”  “when am I going to be strong enough to make the changes I need to?”  And then it hit me…I’m a weak-willed woman! 

I’ve been reading and studying on the will of man & how the enemy preys on you when you are weak and tries to make you weaker.  Today I allowed that to happen.  I allowed those thoughts to take over.  I believed that none of it matters.  I believed I am not worth the hard work.  I believed that my goals are fruitless.  I believed that I was failing.  I believed that no one else ever feels this way.   I hate that!   

But the truth of it is…I ran those 9 miles in 81 minutes (with that little break at mile 7).  I have never run that fast – consistently.  I just ran.  I set that goal and I did it.   No one said the run would be easy.  No one said the run would be without struggle.  No one said the road would be full of rainbows & bunnies.  Oh how I wish the road had rainbows & bunnies & PUPPIES!  But the road is usually long and can be lonely. 

So why do we have these thoughts?  The reading I’m doing suggests these thoughts sneak in when we are alone or tired. And being human, we focus on them, therefore allowing the enemy to work in us.  Some of the signs of being weak-willed are: comparing yourself to others, believing what you know is NOT true, and having secret indulgent behaviors**(these are my biggies) I think all humans have a tendency to do this.  At least I hope I’m not alone. *crickets*

So ~ what’s a girl to do?  

My old running partner Rog once said to me (during a postpartum running break-down) “none of us are worthy of what we receive”.  That statement has resonated with me in so many ways.  On the day he said it we were talking about my childhood vs how I wanted to raise my children.  Other days I believe he was talking about grace & forgiveness.  Today, I hear those words loud and clear as a force against the belief  I AM NOT to a belief that I AM!   I don’t believe I am worthy of the thoughts I had earlier.  But I do believe that I AM a runner.  I AM a mother.  I AM a wife.  I AM a believer.  I AM strong. 

Will I ever be you?  NEVER.  Will I break world records? NEVER.  Will I PR in OKC? Possibly.  And there is hope in that possibility.  🙂

Run on Friends!

** oh yeah.  the secret indulgent behaviors?  shopping for running gear, beer & sweets.  i have not let go of the beer & sweets.  i said i would, but i haven’t.  my will is very weak when it comes to those two things.**

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. March 21, 2010 8:28 pm

    I’m all about sweets, beer not so much but man, I love candy!

    You’re so awesome for doing 9 miles on the treadmill, I don’t think I could do that and I don’t mean that like, I wouldn’t want to, I mean that I mentally could not make it for 9 miles. You are tough, so much tougher than you realize. You think you are weak-willed but you’re not because you did that run. You might have WANTED to stop (I think anyone would have wanted to stop) but when it came down to it you didn’t and that is why you are hardcore!!!

  2. March 21, 2010 8:29 pm

    Oh yeah, PS my mom might pay my entry for OKC for me for my birthday…so I might be doing OKC afterall. 🙂

  3. March 22, 2010 8:21 am

    You are a tough, strong willing, hard core woman! I should know! Everyone near you should know! Keep pushing and you will break that time in OKC!! I will be cheering you on from 3 miles behind you!!! LOVE YA SIS!!!

  4. March 23, 2010 1:27 pm

    You’re right, we did have very similar runs! I love this post! You are a strong woman!

  5. March 23, 2010 6:04 pm

    I ate an entire bag of Cheetos today. Not a small one, a large one. Who is weak?

    • Mother Runner permalink
      March 23, 2010 6:32 pm

      sounds like a little friendly competition…
      i had my 13 year old son pour me a beer after 10 straight hours of working on a quarterly report.
      bring it!
      😉

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