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feeling out-of-control

January 30, 2010

the last couple of weeks have been busy.  the kind of busy where you hit the ground running in the morning and don’t remember falling asleep at night.  somehow in the midst of it i have made some strides.  have run 4 times with my ‘team’ (because i’m the ‘coach’ the runners become my team?)   i love watching the progress.  remembering how hard, but important, those first few steps are.  how unsure but confident we must be to actually take the first steps.  i remember how the ‘community’ part of running can be fun.  running with your ‘team’ is much different from running with your spouse.  we talk about things that are off-limits with FatherRunner, mainly because those same topics would require me to attack FR in the bushes. 😉   

these girls are committed! their ability to stick-to-it has been inspiring.  sure i can run, but there are days when the couch calls for me or the snow fall is so deep that it seems to be covering the treadmill.  these girls keep trekking.  one of them took her children to the Y with her and put them on machines with PBS in front of them.  another one came to run on the treadmill in my basement to stick with it.  and one of them drives to a facility in another town to find her time.  all are an inspiration. 

i, however, have been a bit of a slacker.  fitting in runs where ever i can.  not too bad but turning out to be some ‘funny’ miles.  similar to this:

i lose total control of my body when i go fast.  then i laugh when i try to regain control.  makes it more fun.  i haven’t seen an article in RunnersWorld on this type of training, so i can only assume i’m a bit of a trailblazer.

i have also been looking in the mirror and seeing this:

i do not have very feminine features. so when i need a haircut i tend to look like the UPS guy.  when i need an eyebrow wax i look exactly like my older brother.  i walk a fine line between dude & chick when it comes to looks.  i can be ‘pretty’ but it takes effort and money – i have little of either.  a few weeks ago BigFoot got a haircut.  i asked him, “Do people say you look like a girl with that haircut?”  he responded “No. Why would they?” my response, “oh. when I get my hair cut short people tell me I look like a boy.”   guess it’s time to get that running skirt.

three times this week i have been confronted with feeling worthy.  i don’t know about you, but sometimes i do not feel worthy to do any of the work i do – mother, wife, runner, friend, helper, trainer, etc.   this week was so full that i felt empty and unsure of my gifts.  my devotion stated “the Lord has given her (him) the skill, ability and knowledge to do all kinds of work.” a friend texted me 1cor. 9:19 run the race, and kara goucher (who is on the front of runnersworld this month!) said “i’m proud of how i ran” and i connected with that.  that simple sentence resonated with me.

i’m proud of how i ran – when i went into a family’s home and made a plan for a young girl to visit her dad when he returns from prison monday. 

i’m proud of how i ran – when i saw, heard, and felt my friends succeed at something new.

i’m proud of how i ran – when i presented to a group of professionals whom i admire and respect and feel should be teaching me.

i’m proud of how i ran – when i guided a mom who still hurts from her own abuse as a child and wants to learn how to parent with confidence. (don’t we all?)

i’m proud of how i ran – when my own children came face to face with aggressors and bravely handled it.

i’m proud of how i ran – when my husband looked at me and i knew there was no where else in the world i wanted to be in that moment.

january has been a slow training month for me & i needed it.  i needed to regroup and refocus on a purpose and plan for my running.  it has been good. i’m ready for february and the training that will come with it. 

what about you? when have you felt proud of how you ran?

run on friends.

diggin’ lady gaga’s ‘bad romance’

5 Comments leave one →
  1. January 30, 2010 3:55 pm

    All of those things are incredibly worthy of being proud of! If your best friend did all the great things you do in one day, you would tell him/her how amazing he/she was. So tell that to yourself, you deserve it!!

    • Mother Runner permalink
      January 30, 2010 3:58 pm

      yes. yes i would.

  2. February 1, 2010 9:29 pm

    These were all amazing things to be proud of…some of them might have gone unnoticed but they are so huge in the scheme of life. You are making a big difference in big and small ways, very inspiring. By the way…these things make you beautiful inside and out…not the haircut and eyebrow waxing. Dude or chick? Who cares, you are beauty 🙂 !

    • Mother Runner permalink
      February 1, 2010 9:35 pm

      thanks meghan.
      i appreciate that.

  3. February 4, 2010 12:40 am

    i feel out of control.
    for reals.

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